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What’s A Wallace To Do? by Chad Lowry.
FLYMF August 2005, The Seduce and Destroy Hot Lips Issue, Volume 2 Issue 8
FLYMF August 2005, The Sed
uce and Destroy Hot Lips Issue, Volume 2 Issue 8
It’s a common gripe that all Hollywood puts out anymore are retreads, rehashes, and remakes of old, tired ideas. But why complain when you can profit from it? Get ready to rake in the big Summed up as: A Clockwork Orange meets Tootsie bucks, as we at FLYMF show you how to rip off old movies for some easy pitches for next summer’s big blockbuster. The pitch: Alex and the droogs are trying to get a little look-see in the cutthroat world of ultraviolence, but it seems that only the most Movie: Seduce and Destroy Hot Lips horrorshow malchicks can get a callback. So the boys savvy to the idea of going round all devotchka-like, and they hit it big with a bit Summed up as: Magnolia meets M.A.S.H. of tolchocking on an old veck in an alley. Things go baddiwad when a baboochka gets all dead-like in a visit to the country, however, and The pitch: Hawkeye, Trapper John, and all the other screwballs from in the end Alex finds himself conditioned against the old blouse and the 4077th care for L.A. millionaires as they die in agonizing pain. pantyhouse, but unwilling to give up his new sense of style. Dark secrets are revealed in the midst of crazy hijinks, and the movie comes to its stunning climax as the boys’ big ploy to expose Hot Lips in the shower is interrupted by Jimmy Gator’s deathbed confession that he molested a young Major Burns. Summed up as: Chinatown meets Harry and the Hendersons The pitch: Private eye Jake Gittes gets a visit from a mysterious stranger asking him to follow her husband around town, as she Summed up as: Schindler’s List meets Dodgeball suspects he’s having an affair. Gittes agrees and seems to find confirmation of her fears when he pulls several long, blonde hairs The pitch: In a bid to avoid certain death, a ragtag group of misfits from the back of the husband’s car. A trip to the crime lab shows challenges the SS to a game of kickball, winner-take-all. After a that the hairs aren’t human though, leading Gittes into a series of rough beginning, with the Gestapo eliminating half of the squad for shocking discoveries about the nature of Mr. Henderson’s wearing non-regulation footwear, the team rallies under the companion, and the love child the two might have produced. leadership of Yakov, who was the 1896 English Premier League Most Valuable Player. The team wins its warm-up match against the Hitler Youth, but tragedy strikes again as Yakov is shot in response and the team’s best player, Isaac, is bought off with a beet. Without Summed up as: E.T. meets Aliens their best player and weakened by hunger, the team loses its match against the SS 73-3, but a happy ending comes anyway when the The pitch: A young boy is visited by an adorable alien, and the two guards’ ensuing over-celebration allows the team and their quickly become best friends. Unfortunately, the alien reproduces by inserting its eggs into the nearest host’s body, where the larva hatch by exploding out through the stomach. Soon young Eliot and the rest Movie: Wyld Stallyns on Thorazine of his family have been turned into breeding pods for an alien invasion. When the hatched offspring from their bodies wipe out the Summed up as: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest meets Bill and nearest subdivision, the space marines are called in to put things The pitch: It’s a bogus journey indeed as Bill and Ted are melvined by their evil robot duplicates into committing themselves into a mental institution. Inside, the duo helps the other dudes see how wicked life can be, but soon find their heads banging against the dickweed Nurse Ratched. After an unauthorized journey to the 15th century to pick up babes, Bill is lobotomized at Ratched’s orders, leaving Ted with the decidedly un-awesome obligation to smother 2005 James Seidler, Al Rights Reserved.

Source: http://www.flymf.com/NewLook/v2i8-0805/Wyld_Stallyns_On_Thorazine.pdf