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Microsoft word - how far is it 110913

Tough Guy® Marathon Ordeals How far is it? – 26.2 Miles
In 1987, with a one hundred foot rope we measured out a few bloody arduous miles and said 'We
ain't doin' that agin', it doe much matter it's so different and enjoyable'.
Since those brave beginnings we have dug great pits, felled trees, ploughed fields, increased height
descents, abused the wood nymphs (not only with words), they spike our course builders' four packs
and cause search parties to go looking for them.
Then as you will know, we build a new obstroculous obstacle every year. In 1998 we introduced the
guided tour of the Killing Fields, jogging you round in a kindergarten crocodile (you should hold
hands). Then from the Big Oak Bend you start your eight country miles. How can crawling on your
belly for a half mile through undergrowth, slosh, barbed wire, claustrophobic tunnels, rabbit holes,
underwater caverns and up Dead Leg Bramble Brook be compared with four circuits of an athletic
track! Then in August 2013, Jason the Argonot set out to measure every inch up and down climbs, in
and out ditches, perfecting this to say it is exactly 26.2 miles to the inch!
,
The distance will always be eight country miles. When you get back, you will know by following the
how far it is? code.
I do hope that by completion on Tough Guy™ day finishers can scream out loud 'I am a Tough Guy®.
Yohimbé'.
Torture Chamber
Each of the torture sections are manned by Tough Guy Special Forces who will attach a rope t' ya leg to drag you back out if your screams endanger your heart attack. If you want to brave it in body but not in mind then follow Johan Sebastian Bach Sinéad Cleeve who will be wearing dark glasses, a postman’s sack and Old Mother Riley’s bloomers. That is in the dry tunnels. The hard bit is removing the five people behind you so usually it is easier for a slim guy to crawl through the pits, attach a rope to your neck or your willy and force you through the narrows which are only 25 metres length. UNDERWATER CAVERNS
The really dangerous one is the underwater cavern which is wide enough for 15 Tough Guys™ side
by side. It is pitch black muddy waters. No divers can see, it is manoeuvred by feeling forward. You
must flow with the crowd as there are lines stacked up behind you.
If you scream and panic your lungs fill with water, you sink immediately, someone will trip over you
and report to the divers who have 3 minutes to get your body out of there before the oxygen filters
from your brain. We are 22 years experienced in all aspects and we have never lost one yet! Our
secret is the ropes along the floor bed which you feel for confidence.
Hope this helps your problem.
\\MOUSA\Data\Letters\How Far is it 110913 Divers on duty will strongly discourage non swimmers
to miss out the water. You do not have to go there,
you go around, piddle up our fence and come back
next year to beat the bastard Tough Guy. You must
sign your death warrant on arrival and the disclaimer
off the website.

How Far It Is?
The safest most dangerous taste of physical and mental endurance pain in the world.
For what you are about to receive - give thanks.
Assembly at 10.15. By 10.40 we plan to have 10 hostages jailed in our pillory stocks with their pants
around their ankles with their Willy or Woolly exposed to the rotten egg ridicule bomb squad.
At 10.50 ish Jesus Warriors will haul off with their burden to get to Calvary stop and store.
At 11 o'clock ish Tough Guy™ Squad and Foxholers will launch their fearsome assault on the
wannabes who are pondering their fate in the Front Squad Wisitors below the Trample Hill, closely
followed by Wobblemuckers,Gweens, Backend Wetnecks and Wetwisitors, Ghoons, Dickheads, Late
Buggers, Bollox to ya.
Backend Yawning Bucket Squad
Wetnecks, Ghoons, Buckets, Dickheads and Late Buggers will be scared of moving until told (because
of the fearsome blood dripping from willy and woolly wearers in the stocks the inmates of Bollx t'
You Squad).
From Goat Corner Pass by the Anaconda sting 300 yards, the Battle of the Somme Trenches, 300
metres more the Behemoth 200 metres then left, START Bannister 4 at Chataway Chase, 300 metres
to pass alongside the Ghurkha Grand National 400 yards to back of Bear Wood, another 400 metres
to Tiger One, take a drink, 200 to North Lake face, up Ladies Knickers Walk, another 200 metres ish
to Brasher Disley Steeple. Count your Bannister 8 and now.
A crocodile kiddies jog brings you to the first natural nettle assault clamber. Blood should now be
flowing from a thousand legs as you hit the 7 league Nettle Bracken Maze emerging 400 metres
deeper to meet the original Slalom of 12 descents and scrambles of a 45˚ hillside of 2 metre high
Nettle Bracken for ¾ of a mile ish.
All contestants by now will be cursing Mr Mouse for the itch and scratch blood soaked legs covered
in horse flies and desperately slaking for water summer drinks station before Bear Wood. You enter
the World War I Trench Warfare with sniper climbs, worm crawls, Elephant Fences, Tiger Traps, Log
Flumes, Enemy Fire, Flares, Explosive I.E.D. The Beasts within will be cutlassed drawn to induce you
to crawl the 500 metres of Tough Guy™ undergrowth. Your pains are by now screaming at you to get
out of there. For relief lies 200 metres ahead at the Ghurkha Grand National where soothing leech
ponds will smafe the further cargo net ground crawls for 400 metres of crawl and ditch.
\\MOUSA\Data\Letters\How Far is it 110913 Turning at the Technospanner Legover to the mighty Tiger (Leopard) will loom before you. Here you have the choice of falling from whatever height you choose (sorry, the cattle stunning hidden electric wires will herald your dropping off point). 30 yards later you enter the Gallipoli Landings. Ankle Deep = Zero temperature Knee Deep = Minus 5% Yohimbé Deep = Minus 10% Here you shout ‘Yohimbé’ meaning ‘my dick has shrivelled more than yours!’ So 400 yards from the Ghurkha passing the Tiger you meet your next Thirst Stop. Do take a drink because the next water you meet will be flambéed. Just 300 yards through Colditz (more bruises) and Behemoth Tree Top Ropes (50 yards of agony fear clamber) crawl scream or just plain white faced terror. You have just commenced the Killing Fields in Death Valley. 50 yards before the Behemoth is the Battle of the Somme. We all marvel at Harry Patch and Granddad’s heroics (no one's grandma went to the trenches) so we built a re enactment, only 100 metres but jammed pack with fire, brimstone, deep ditches, barbed wire entrapments (just so you know a little of the Somme and the Fiery Holes). You can escape only through a tunnel of tyres crawling agony to ripple your knees, 100 yards further you come to hit the Swamp, our original 27 year muck and mulch to suck smiles from sallow cheeks and shoes off your feet to disappear forever, all 100 yards of it then over the fence into No Man's Land 300 yards dash to enter the Vietcong Torture Cave Tunnels. This is fear underground. In Saigon, the Vietcong dug tunnels beneath the American camps and came up at night to slit a few throats whilst they slept. In our tunnels there is the smell of the grave where the worms and maggots reign supreme especially that if in the darkness you pass through electric eels, blackthorn spike rods, waterboarding, Gas Chamber, you choose the wrong tunnel and find yourself in a dead end. The only way out is back where you came but there are 10 behind you and two of them are screaming with fear of claustrophobia. If the screams reach 200 decibels we open the escape hatches which are big enough for a 6 stone woman to squeeze through. It is amazing how fear gets the weight off!!! I daren't tell you how far it is to get through those dark and dangerous tunnels especially if your knees are pouring with blood. As you emerge, there is a bevy of Air Training cadets, learning to bomb aim with flour and treacle bombs to rain down upon you. Get out of that area quickly. 100 yards further on you cross the bulrushes to the fearsome Sky Walk. Here you have 3 choices of Climbing, Crossing and Clamber: Tried and tested where there is a catch net 12 foot below (if you should slip) a cargo net descent or a monkey crawl rope over the pool. The New Blue, a scrabble over rooftops to descend by tree slither. Sky Walk forty feet up on a plank of wood with a catch net below and a descent by Tree. High Stair Diving (no one yet has completed the death stair dive). \\MOUSA\Data\Letters\How Far is it 110913 We have First Response paramedics with a fireman's Telehandler to get you down if your blood freezes over. The welcome sight below is a drinks station (champagne some call it), to your right is the Field Hospital. To your left is the Slosh Pool (your choice). So you are now travelling the 400 yards to the Chicane, a series of ‘get me used to it' ducks, poles across the water to prepare you for the Underwater Cavern experience. The tricky bit is the Fear feel forward crowds to your left crowds to your right, crowds behind yours not to wonder why do it or die. Just keep moving forward arm outstretched to touch the rubber hand of a Rescue Diver with assurance that if you do gulp in a bellyful of this muddy stream and collapse to the bottom our Gregarious Guards Divers will get you out (we haven't lost one yet). Once triumphant (Triumph and Disaster are both impostors, treat them equally said Rudyard 1921), you leave the now freezing water and face the Brandenburg Gate. This is a straight up cargo netting climb creep over the top and descend carefully by abseil or cargo netting. We do get a few fallers from this 41 foot monster but the straw below is quite thick landing. Break your bones only if you agree it is your own bloody fault for coming. 100 yards further, having lost the burning in your throat, you climb above the lake to take the Titanic Scream Jump to the lake below. Do not dive, the blood will bring a shoal of carp pike to feed (yes, genetic Jurassic cross breeds). Swim/wade as directed by the eager Fire Cadet marshals to Snake Island. The Young Firefighters Brigade have ‘Practice fire hoses' to knock you back into the water if you cut any corners. Clamber out and a warming jog 200 yards to Dan's Deceiver. The name says expect something tasty as a prelude to crossing the Dragon. This, although being hilarious, is great for taking the skin off your fingers and your ankles with rope burns (say no more). Coming soon a zip wire fast descent, like a skittle alley lose a leg or knock a head off. Your next Drinks Station is a Godsend, here served by Wolverhampton West Explorer Scouts. For 20 more yards away you enter the Jesus Bridge Somme walkways Gladiatough Colosseum. Just pick up an account of the Somme and read about the young lads who fell from these walkboards and sank into the mire, no one could help without getting sucked in with them. (Today thousands of bodies are beneath the sod. 600 thousand died at the Somme in July 1916). We remember with thanks and admiration. You then crawl beneath the barbed wire of the Stalag Escape, only 50 yards together with the Planks. By now you are thankful as you know that after 150 yards of tyre trekking and a 200 yard jog you will cross the flesh tearing Anaconda to receive a jelly baby shoved into your mouth with a latex gloved hand. You then can see the finish but unfortunately the West Brom Fire Cadets force you to endure the Viagra Falls, a burn arse rubber chute aided by the practice fire hose slipping you treatfully into a sponge pond. Two or maybe three goes cleanses and defeats everyone to arrive at the finish line blue hypothermic but pristine alive. \\MOUSA\Data\Letters\How Far is it 110913 You then remember later battered, bruised, bleeding, screaming for mercy how these grinning squelchy fiends who in the Devil's clothing of the Fire Brigade, forced you with hoses to take a small trip down the Viagra Slide to a barrel of spongy water then you may proceed the 300 yards Hill Climb to the Finish – get your fizzog onto a video remembrance clock timed honoured picture show, a welcome from the mass of finish ushers caring and recording your time and place thence mushed onwards to a nice cup of hot tea or cocoa with a horse brass around your neck, hugged and kissed. You are a Tough Guy™! Beyond this is the 100 horse shower where you must leave the mud behind because we realised that competitors were actually stealing the farm piece by piece with body caked mud. How far was it? \\MOUSA\Data\Letters\How Far is it 110913

Source: http://www.thehorsesanctuary.co.uk/How%20Far%20is%20it%20110913.pdf

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